Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: