Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.