Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

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accidentally stabbed a friend last night but a little later a different friend caught on fire and i put him out with my hand so i’m even


When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….


Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒


Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.


None of this is appropriate for anybody. Take the 18+ out of your bio.


my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon


Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.


All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’