Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
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went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.