Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes