Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

😭😭😭

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao