Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.