perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Good news
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My sex drive has a dui
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?