perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons