Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
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I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?