Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.