Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Good morning, Twitter x

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

Think I pulled my liver

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.