Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

The Sun

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?