Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
where the womens at?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing