@jazz_inmypants

person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving

person 2: don’t tell me what to do

[later]

person 2: *dies skydiving*

person 1: I hate to say it but—

person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE

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@illuminatedwndr

cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: “do you know y i pulled u over?” Me: “because Batman is catching all the criminals”

@wandering_leaf9

*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*

Well played Peanut…!!

@ruinedpicnic

Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
[outside]
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?

@DrFFurter

Women say they like tall men and I’m probably 6ft 4″ in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet!

@MeganGetsMoney

Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

@SaveItForFest

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

@VeryLonelyLuke

I’m good at making friends.

Wait, that’s not right.

Correction: I’m good at making friends up.

@macchiatonumb

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

@djdarrellripley

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….