@jazz_inmypants

person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving

person 2: don’t tell me what to do

[later]

person 2: *dies skydiving*

person 1: I hate to say it but—

person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE

You Might Also Like

@simoncholland

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

@dumbbeezie

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: well?

Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

@ratamack

I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.

@david8hughes

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

@CornOnTheGoblin

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

@BeingDBEAST

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!