Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My love language is hissing.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Duck typos.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?