Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Perfect.
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
my sentiments exactly
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[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please