Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*