[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
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You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids