Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

The United Steaks of America

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

🤨

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”