Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?