Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
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Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.