Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
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Make me look younger
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Scream sneezers need love too.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
This rocks
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅