Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

no way 😭

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.