Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

I put the I in Insufferable.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.