Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The old gods are rising again.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Love this one 😂🧟
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
man: wait
time: no
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight