Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
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My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
back to work
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet