Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.