person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too