person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.