Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.