Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”