Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

Great Canadian literature.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

(2022)

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans