(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.