(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
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Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Why is everyone getting married at me
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]