(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
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So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Wow 🤣
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.