Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Why is no one talking about this?!

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

The only equipped I am is ill.

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

🤣🤣💀

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Blocked: 1985

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift