Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”