Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer