Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
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her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
haha same
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Brands during Pride
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole