Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?

girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes

me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”