Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
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Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony