Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
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I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
new record!
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance