Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”