Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
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People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I just ran a .003048K
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.