Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II