Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
You Might Also Like
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
forgive me baja for i have blast
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
