Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
bought wrong eggs
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!