Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

If I ignore life will it go away?

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X