Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.