Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay