Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
describing stardew valley
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
The smoothest fall of all time
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
