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@SlenderSherbet

“are you following me?”

“no. just scratching my ear”

“DUDE”

“I WASN’T”

@BigFriendlyGrub

I’m not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything turns it into an antidepressant. 🧀

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

@Audenary

Me: But can robots write poetry?!

Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all

Me: [Choking back tears] Dude

@HenpeckedHal

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

@MikeCanRant

There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.

@imasmartass37

A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.

@Fred_Delicious

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists