godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you