Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
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I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My time has come.
5 ways to appear taller
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer