Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game