Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”