Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Me too, bag. Me too….
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do