Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers