I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched.
Both their phones must’ve been stolen.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
“I am leg end” – a foot
Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name