Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
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“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”