Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.


Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched.

Both their phones must’ve been stolen.


Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…


Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.


Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.


I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.


Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.


If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name