Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*