Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
How all things should be taught/explained.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom