Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.