Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
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No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.