Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger