Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.