Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
A leaf blower, but for people.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
just make the entire table out of coaster
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.