Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

need him

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil