Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

The prophecy is fulfilled

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Guy who likes music

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”