Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
You Might Also Like
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
thank god
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman