Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
You Might Also Like
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My blood type is coffee.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)