Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
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when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Ha.
Me sliding into hell like
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Lmfao
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.